I'm trying

She said I'm not pointing fingers
He said yes you are
'Cause you wouldn't bring it up if you weren't
If I told you I'd been walking
Out in the dark night thinking
Would you take as truth this alcoholic's word
I can't change what's done is done
But I can tell you this
Not a day goes by that I
Don't curse myself and all my sins
And I need you to hold on to
While this part of me is dying
And though I haven't kicked the demons
That haunt me
I'm Trying
I'm Trying
~Diamond Rio

This song is poignant for me. In the middle of the devastation of our marriage in 2000, I heard this song on a CD we had. This song wasn't released by the country group as a single, so unless you listen to the album, you wouldn't hear the song. It was an accident....or maybe just fate. When I heard it for the first time, I broke down, and through my tears, I prayed that this would be us. It had to be us. We had to be able to move through this awful gut-wrenching hole in our marriage, and come out on the other side whole.

And so I thought, by moving away from Las Vegas in 2001, and through a lot of pain, anger, frustration, and then ultimately peace, we'd finally found the marriage I think we both wanted and needed.

It would seem that even though I walked through my life, I wasn't paying attention to my life. Maybe I was too trusting or simply way too optimistic that he had "changed" as he said he had.

We laughed again, smile at each other, held hands, and dreamed and planned together. I looked at him once again with the admiration of someone who had just fallen in love. We were on the right track. We were "us" again. In May 2010, we renewed our wedding vows in front of our friends and family, and for me, it was more meaningful that when we were marriage 12 years earlier. It was perfect.

It didn't take long to realize, we were FAR from perfect. When had it gone wrong? Or maybe it was all just an illusion, and I was living in this blissful fog all alone. For my husband had never really changed his behavior, just changed the "how and who" of his cheating world.

And yet, even learning that we had been living a lie, I stayed. The jury is still out as to why. Financial security, the fact we'd just moved back to Las Vegas, or simply because at the end of the day, I (even though I know I shouldn't) love this man. When faced with an ultimatum, he chose to give me lip service and say he would get therapy. That lasted several months until the day I wised up and did some checking.

Yup, there it was in black and white. He was a liar and a cheat. Always had been, and had never changed one iota of his bad behavior. What was wrong with him? Did he not know the consequences? He had to.

On April 8, 2011 I liberated myself. I didn't give him wishy-washing choices. He had two, and even at best, neither were a guarantee. Get help or I'm out of here. Period.

He chose help. I'm proud of him. Even as he'd walk out the door for his therapy sessions, I wasn't sure I'd stay. Even after I told him in the presence of his therapist that I "choose to stay," was I sure I'd stay. I just knew that at that moment, he needed a friend and support system. At the very least, I could do that for him. After all, this was a behavior he didn't have much control over, and had just been told he was an addict. It was a harsh reality for him, but nonetheless, one that he accepted.

That was six months ago. A lot has happened in that time. He lost his job, I quite my job, he got his old job back in WA, and here we are living in Puyallup. A lot of physical changes as well as mental.

I'm proud of Walter and the hard road he chose to save himself and our marriage. I found myself thinking about this song the other day when something triggered an old feeling of dread and insecurity. His work phone. The very source of my pain, mistrust, fear and loathing. Right there. God how I wanted to throw it against the wall. The words to the "I'm Trying" song came to mind as I know that he's not cheating with anyone via that phone as he had in the past. I think at this point, he knows better. I can't say I'm positive about it, but I'm relatively confident he is being honest. That's when the song came to mind. Just because he has it, doesn't mean he's using it for non-work activities. But do I believe him, really? Nope, I don't.

I forgive him, but I don't trust him. I may never trust him again. Is a marriage safe is there is mistrust from one partner? Is it fair to live this way? I wish I had the answers. But one thing I do know is this. He's trying. I mean enough to him that he's willing to endure my moments of anger and mistrust. He doesn't deserve for me to judge him, yet I have. As his wife, I should forgive and move on. Recently I did a transcript for work and the sermon was on 1 Corinthians Chapter 13. You know the one....Love is patient, love is kind...

Those were words that were said at our wedding, but I never REALLY read them or heard them. Not until this week. I learned one preacher's interpretation, and it made sense to me. Its not just for love of a spouse, but love of people in your life. Love forgives, and love believes. Love endures. For all the times I sat and wondered how the hell I could put up with this crap from him and by accident I got the answer.

Love. It's really that simple. I love him and when you love someone, God has a hand in it. It's not an accident. I love my husband and while I have certainly put up with a lot, I've also received the most precious gift God has given to us. Love. His love which is pure and unconditional. We are meant to spread that love, cherish and nurture it.....and believe in it. It's what I've done.

I'm trying...everyday. Trying to remember my purpose in this marriage and count the million little blessings it has given to me. The song is so true, and if whoever is reading...well, find the entire song and read it. It's my life and my life with an addict. (his addiction was to sex) Trying is all we can do. That's what we're taught. "As long as you try your best..." That's what we're doing.

I close this chapter of my life today. I have made up my mind that even though I cannot forget what he did or trust him the way I once did, I am moving out of this muck and negativity, and embracing God's love for me and the incredible gift it is to love another person unconditionally. Walt is not perfect....oh Lord so far from it. But neither am I. So where we fail, we pick each other up. I don't know what I would do if I found out that he's lying and cheating again....for I must cross that bridge if it comes. But I know that today, October 21, 2011, I am moving forward and away from the period of my life. He'll always be the man who cheated on his wife, but he no longer has to wear it on his chest as some sort of cross to bear. God did that for us so that we can be forgiven for our sins. If God can do that for me, I can do that for the man I love.

If I slip and fall....it's because I'm not perfect. When those feelings of mistrust creep in....I'll need reminding of my words mentioned above. But it is my willingness to move forward....my desire to love purely and defend this love with everything I have.

As I close this chapter, a new one begins. We travel back to Las Vegas to claim our items in storage, and make the move to WA permanent. No going back. This is our life now, and by God, I'm going to live it.

I'm trying....every day. That part of my life has to die so I can live.