Learning to cope with fear

When I was younger, I was pretty fearless. Not a whole lot bothered me, and I would move head on into adversity and challenges. I'm not as fearless as I once was, and I am trying to learn to deal with it better.

I'm worried all the time. I worry about everything. It consumes me. Instead of just rolling with it, I obsess and drive myself nuts. There are so many things I have literally NO control over, worrying seems for nothing. I can't control all things....another thing that drives me nuts.

Right now, my biggest concern is this background check being conducted so that I can start my new job. I've never had to worry about this type of thing, and until a couple of weeks ago hadn't given my resume and its contents much thought. This background check is thorough and it scares me. Why....I don't know. There isn't really anything there that could be used against me. Other than my saying I have two AA degrees. This alone could come back to haunt me. As I type this, I feel clammy and sick to my stomach. I HAVE to get this job. We need the money......yet another thing to worry about.

Walt's job is up in the air with managers and directors leaving. What lay ahead for him is unclear.....and it worries me. I know he's looking diligently to find a more permanent position. He's not given up on searching for the right job.

How do I step back and just let things happen as they are going to....I cannot wave my wand and make everything turn out the way I think they should......yet it makes be nuts that I can't. It's going to be a long week!!! I'm supposed to start my new job on the 7th...just one week!! I get to wear REAL clothes and dress up....I am so excited about that.

Dear Lord, thank you so much for all the blessings you have given us. We are blessed by your grace and those you have lead into our lives. Watch over Walt as he heads into the working world, surround my girls with your love. Please give me the strength to get through this week. In your Loving Name.....Amen.

Today is a new day!

I'm not feeling a whole lot better today, but a bit better than yesterday. I just wish things would just go in the right directions for longer periods of time!! How can you not feel better when you can look at that little face??? He makes me smile.

Everything happens for a reason, and I keep telling myself this. All the trials we are faced with should only look at the positive that comes from each experience. It's hard, and being human, it isn't always as easy as it seems.

I am confident that as we get more settled into our home and life here in Las Vegas, that everything will all fall into place. We have only the best of intentions, and always strive to live right.

I don't know what to think of our marriage situation. I try hard to look the other way as that's the easiest thing to do. But I am just not made that way. I worry. I fret. I'm concerned. I've given Walt every opportunity to change his life and walk the path he knows is the right one.....and he's failed to live up to what he's promised he'd do.

I'm tired.....I just want to be happy. Or rather, happier.....

Dear Lord, thank you for helping me see the good in life and to follow a path of positivity and happiness. Thank you for our furry friends and the smiles they bring to us. Take care of those that mean the most to us and bring more sunshine to those who have not seen your goodness. In your Gracious Name....Amen.

Trying to feel grateful

It seems that just when we start heading up hill and doing well......something crappy happens and I just feel like we've slipped all the way back to the beginning. I am so tired of it.

Walt works hard to keep things going well....and I am so grateful for that. But sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. I hate....HATE....being in the position of having to ask someone for something......I HATE it. We should be able to take care of our own stuff without having to ask anyone for anything....

Yet....today.....we did. I HATE it....did I mention how much I HATE it LOL

I know things will improve. I know they will.....they always do. But I just feel so low today. I'm always the one being the cheerleader for everyone else....."things will get better..." Too bad I can't take my own advice huh?

Dear Lord, thank you for all the blessings in our lives.....please give us the strenghth to keep going and to work harder to make things right. Watch over everyone.....keep them close.....In your Loving and Giving Name.....Amen.....

A new day and new week

Our little Cow-Boy has opened his eyes, and is getting around his little bed. It won't be long before he is running around after his momma.

I worked one whole day at the Cosmopolitan and got a job offer at the place I really wanted to work. I am so excited to start working the 7th of February. It's going to be an awesome job and place to work.

Things are falling into place.....it's about time.....

Things that made me smile today: puppy breath; coffee; sunshine; friends visiting; Roberto's for dinner; bubble bath; being lazy with my husband.

Dear Lord, thank you for all you've blessed us with. We thank you for watching over us and our loved ones. Thank you for sunshine and happiness....In your loving Name, Amen.

Opening your eyes....

It's not just a metaphor I'm trying to cleverly use....it's really what's been happening in my life. Opening my eyes to see reality...and our new little baby opening his eyes for the first time.

I realize now that taking my current job was a huge mistake professionally. Yes, I did make some new friends and have been able to contribute financially to our family, but I wish I could say more positive things have come from it. I've been made to feel very self conscious about myself, my ethics, and my actions. I also have to worry that each day they'll decide they just can't afford me anymore.

So I've been looking for work elsewhere. I even had an interview the other day that went very well. I will get offered this job if I managed to pass the assessment test. I think I did ok, but it was all so new to me and I was a little nervous. My fingers are crossed.

And then, out of nowhere, I get a call from the Cosmopolitan hotel/casino and offered a cashier's job. It's only part time, but pays well and will include tips. I am so excited about it. Good things can only happen from here.

I'm feeling positive.....energized and happy.....my eyes are open. My heart and mind are open to what's to come.....

Dear Lord, thank you for all the blessings you given me and to us; I am so grateful for everything that has come our way; Please watch over our loved ones, shine love in their hearts.....In Your Loving Name....Amen.

Surprise!! It's a baby!!

We got home from work and our adopted dog Princess went into labor. No one knew she was pregnant!! We were freaking out.....we had no idea what to do!!

She did wonderfully....and then I was able to help her deliver her baby. A big baby boy!!

It was a beautiful moment. She's done so well in taking care of the little guy. We named him Loco....as I am positive that we'd never be able to give him up.

So now we have a new member of our family. It's been a crazy....but a beautiful experience.

Dear Lord, thank you for bringing Loco to our family and keeping him safe....Bless Princess as she takes care of her new baby....Watch over all our loved ones. Keep us on the right track. In Your Loving Name....Amen.

1-1-11

It's amazing to me that 2011 is already here.

I am hopeful for this new year. Looking back on the last year, much of the year was spent laughing, smiling, loving, and creating precious memories. We had so much going on, and made some BIG changes in our lives.

I'm so proud of us for all we did, and for making it through the biggest change....moving to Las Vegas in October.

The last month of the year has been a huge challenge for me. Personally....with having a job that I like but working for a company that I cannot stand. And in my marriage....finding out Walt was keeping secrets and had been for a long time. I'm not sure what the new year will hold regarding both these issues in my life, but I start this new year with a positive attitude that I can conquer any obstacle in my way to self happiness.

I love my husband, my life, and where I am. But....I am not happy. I am confused, scared, angry, and disappointed that I have had to deal with dishonesty and mistrust once again. I just never imagined I have to go through this again. I'd reached a place of peace and trust with Walt only to have it snatched away. Unbelievable.

So....I begin this year with an open mind, hope in my heart, and determination that I WILL have all the things to make my world a happy one.

Goals for 2011: A new car; $5000 in savings; a job where I feel appreciated; lost 30 pounds; knit blankets for the ladies in my life; volunteer someplace where my talents and gifts would help someone; see my girls at least twice before the end of the year; go to IMATS in June; visit Disneyland; put my toes in the water and ass in the sand; speak kinder; create at least one scrapbook; go to the north rim of the Grand Canyon;

Dear Lord, please help me to find joy this year; give to those who are not as lucky or fortunate as me; Pray and listen more....speaking less; Watch over our loved ones; In Your Loving Name....Amen.