I'd try to recap the year but in all honesty, I think it might just bring me to tears and I would want to rip my own throat out. It wasn't a great year. It wasn't even a good year except for pockets of moments I'll fondly remember.
Pretty negative, right? Well, you might say so. But I believe that realizing the things that have happened are meant to happen and I'm supposed to actually learn something, brings me to a much more positive stepping off point for 2015.
Those moments in the last year that have made a good impression on me and all the reason in the world to keep facing life and making the choices I feel are right for myself. I've got A LOT of great things in my life to love and appreciate. The crap just reminds me that I am still a work in progress, even after 50 years. No one lives your life but you. Okay, some people may be participants and are forced (or not) to listen to your diatribe about this or that. Everyone has their Achilles Heel. Anyone who knows me, knows what my weakness is. Won't you share, you ask? Is it really important to the story? Actually, I think it might be.
I love with my whole heart. Everyone I feel affection for, gets 100%. No questions, just unconditional love. That doesn't mean people don't disappoint me or hurt my feelings. That's just life. But for those who truly love me and have taken the time to understand me, know where I'm coming from all of the time. I may appear scattered and confused about where life's taking me, but I always calm down and settle on to whatever path life has taken me.
So this ability of mine to love without boundaries has landed me in a marriage where I find loneliness and heartache. I've given me whole heart to Walter and have tried hard for the last 17+ years to love him in a way that makes him feel warm, wanted and deeply appreciated. Unfortunately, his ability to face his personal demons keeps him and his fidelity at arms reach. He's good for awhile because the shit hit the fan, but somewhere in time something triggers his lack of coping with things to find the missing pieces in someone else's puzzle. In spite of his issues, I continue to be faithful to the marriage and love him in the same way I always have.
Apparently this makes me seem weak in the eyes of others. Maybe I am. I've just been faking it for the last 30 years because I've seen first hand how short life can be and I can't find a cynical bone in my body. Death really deepened my capacity for forgiveness and the level in which I love people. It also made me be the type of person who has hope that "this too shall pass," and life will get better. I am who I am, which is why I handle life the way I do.
Why does this matter? It matters because what I've learned this last year is that life sucks sometimes. You voice how "sucky" it is and sometimes people can't just say "hang in there," but they run over the top of you with "why are you doing the same thing over and over?" Hell I don't know, if it frustrates you, just tell me and we won't discuss it any more. It's really that simple. As I said, we all that that ONE thing that makes life shitty and makes us act in ways most people never see.
On the other hand, those loving ears that listen mean the world to me and have truly impacted me in ways I can't find the words to express. I can step outside of my pride for periods of time and appreciate the honesty of others. It may not be what I want to hear, but dammit, sometimes you just have to let the truth hurt. It sucks. I've been honest with others and in that moment of pure honesty, felt like the worst person in the world. But....and there's always a but, I try hard not to hold people's mistakes and problems over their heads for the rest of their lives. That Achilles Heel again. It's not their fault they are made up that way or follow a certain path. In moments of rage or pain, we all say things that in normal circumstances we wouldn't say. That's human nature.
There is one person that I find pleasure during fits of anger throwing his past up in his face. I know it deeply hurts him and reminds him how imperfect he is and how PERFECT I think I am. Of course I've never done anything to him, but seriously......I've been without sin or imperfection my entire life? Certainly not. Walter is my soul mate. We all do ridiculous things out of love, and do even worse when you matured without certain skills for coping with life.
Where is this going? I seem to get off on tangents very easily. What I've learned this last year is that while I am capable of handling certain situations, there are many I cannot. Therapy has helped a great deal in helping me focus on what's important, what I need to keep from the past, and more importantly, what I must let go of. Being imperfect, I don't judge people. I don't tell people what they should or shouldn't do. I try to offer love and understanding. The bad stuff from the last 365 days is just part of life. There have been times when I've felt totally isolated from everyone important to me because there are just no words to express what I'm going through and/or I know they're just tired of hearing about it. It's that Achilles thing again. I am capable of listening to the same stories over and over in which a person just needs to get off their chest. The plots and stories may change, but the characters are always the same. I don't judge. Nor do I push my personal opinion on how they should handle the problem on to them.
Here I am of the verge of a new year, and I question the sincerity of people in my life. But without them, I certainly cease to exist. The one constant is that I am in control of my own destiny, even if the path is riddle with pot holes and ruts. It's life. I know from the depths of my soul that whatever happens in this near year, it's the way it's meant to be for me. Not for others to pick at or try to dissemble as a total waste.
I bid adieu to 2014 and all the conflict, stress, heartache, happiness and joy it brought. I make no promises to myself about how the new year will turn out, but promise to remain true to MYSELF. If someone doesn't like it, well, tough nuts, right?
favorite things about 2014: New Years with Noel, spring flowers, raccoons, wine, ferry rides, family moments, getting 50 out of the way, new job and outlook, short sassy hair, new friends and always having God's face shine upon me.
B
