"People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar." Thich Nhat Hanh
This was a post on Facebook by Russell Simmons. I resonates with me. Clearly I am one of those people who have a hard time of letting go of my suffering.....and it's true.
I don't let go of things easily, but in many circumstances, the situation flares, I burn up, and it's over. I harbor no residual feelings and can move on without looking back. Except this ONE thing.
I'm a forgiving person. My capacity to forgive runs deeply inside my soul. Except for this ONE thing.
At least I thought I was capable of forgiving and moving on. Last year when Walt and I renewed our wedding vows, I truly felt that we'd moved for away from the fearful suspicions I always seemed to have. I no longer questioned him when his phone received a message, or when he was on Facebook or other similar sites.
Again, I'd been lead to believe there was a security living in my world, and I bought it. The whole thing. Until December 8, 2010, I'd believed everything Walter said, and held it as truth.
But I was terribly misguided in my willingness to forgive him and then take the plunge "again." Standing before our friends and family, I AGAIN vowed to love, honor and cherish him. I gave him my complete heart that day in May 2010. It was with my willingness and my truest of love that I made those vows and proved to the world that even through infidelilty and complete aniolation of a marriage, it can be saved.
Until that day in December. That was the day my world crashed so hard around me I never thought the dust would settle. To learn that this man had once again trashed our marriage, lied to me for several years, and acted as though he was rehabilitated sickeded me. I wanted out. I wanted away from him and to never look back. He didn't deserve me.
In his eyes, his infidelity was minor as he hadn't actually had a "physical" affair. With our history, it didn't matter. As far as I was concerned he'd wasted the opportunity not to have a physical affair because it was all the same to me.
That day he promised faithfulnes and asked for forgiveness. I'll be comletely honest here....bear my soul so to speak....I ONLY stayed because I was stuck in Las Vegas, just signed a lease for a house, had only been working at my job a month.....it was self-preservation. But in no uncertain terms.....I was and did check OUT of the marriage emotionally.
And I did. His empty promises really meant little. I harped on the fact he needed therapy, and reminded him every so often he needed to make an appointment. But I didn't make much of a fuss really.
But I knew deep down, even if I didn't consciously know it, I knew he wasn't being honest. It wasn't any one act that made me suspicious. It was just HIM.
Exactly (and I mean TO THE DAY) 4 months later I had the notion to look at our cell phone bill. And there is was in black and white. His infidelity, lies, faults, sickness....you name it, it was there. Right there....he'd been lying AND he'd been talking to another woman.
This wasn't exactly the best day to spring it on him as it was his birthday. But hey, that wasn't my fault. I called him, said I was leaving work, AND I wanted a divorce. It was that simple. Perfectly clear. I was done.
Of course, there was an agrument, tears...the same scenerio, just a different day, a different year....but it was still the same. And even though once again there was no physical affair present, my heart knew no difference. It was the same.
That was the day he got a therapist. I think reality hit him so hard that he probably thought a sledgehammer would have felt like a feather. He knew. I witnessed him melt into a humble pile of liar. I felt nothing. At least that's what I kept telling myself. But that day, our lives changed. Most importantly, HIS life changed.
Fast forward few weeks, and I'd been invited to participate in a therapy session. I didn't want to. This was his cross to bear and he needed to do whatever it took. But he asked, and it truly seemed as though it meant something. I told "my story" and explained how I'd basically taken a leave of absence from our marriage. I was going through the motions, but he'd never get the chance to break my heart again.
And then the therapist asked the million dollar question. "Are you willing to commit to this marriage and stay by him as he makes the journey through self discovery and becomes the husband and friend I needed him to be, or....are you willing to end it?" No gray area. Make a choice.
Now as you read this, you know my answer to that question. Oh it was emotional, and yes, I had to actually THINK about it. I knew that in the physical world, he'd never let me go hungry or be homeless....so those securities would be taken care of. But it was the zillion other needs that he wasn't meeting that concerned me.
So I stayed. I cried, he cried, and I stayed. I do, and I mean this with the most sincere tone, love this man with everything I have. He is good and kind, and when he's focused he's an amazing husband. But I entered this with caution and a promise to not only him but myself that this was it. The last straw, last chance, you F- this up buddy, we're done.
Then he lost his job.....got his old job back, and we made the move back to WA. I have to say that if we are not stronger because of all the garbage we've had to deal with, then we have no chance of survival.
We "talk" to each other....even when it's negative or in a high octive. We yell....argue....but at the end, we apologize and are humbled. THIS is the couple I always wanted to be.
But...I carry my suffering with me every day. I am still cautious, and sometimes suspcious. It's al too calm and he's too "perfect." Is he lying? Not sure. Is he talking to other women. No sure. Does he know if I ever find out about something he's secretive about that I am gone? Absolutely. So why am I suffering? Why do I carry this with me? It's heavy and I hate it.
I can let it go. Ultimately, he's the only driver in his life and he is in control of his actions. All I can do is pray that he truly has been rehabilitated this time and realize what an incredible gift he's been given. Russell's timing couldn't have come at a better time.
My sufferings is comfortable and safe. It keeps me from bawling my eyes out every day, or following Walt around and spying on him. It keeps me from checking his phone or emails. For if I am the victim, if he does it again, I can say "See, I told you so!!" But it is SO unproductive and takes so much energy to be a victim.
No more suffering. What fate lay ahead for us is a mystery. But the suffering has to stop. If he reverts back to his old self, I can't control that. The only thing I have control of is how I handle the situation. He's walking a pretty thin line as it is, and if he jeopardizes our marriage, so be it. I am going to live. I am going to open my heart. If I get hurt again, sure enough, I'll live through it. I'm committed to leaving if he does something stupid. But for today, I am going to allow the exposure of my heart. I am going to let my faith fly and believe in it.
I am free of the anger and will not carry that baggage around any longer. For whatever "this" is, it's far better than some people have it....and at least I have a clear head about things. I'm not going to live with "what if's" and just see where this path takes me. I'm going to embrace this man....my marriage....and our life together.
I suffer NO more.....
P.S. If your reading this my love, this by no means you have a free pass to stupidity....it means I CHOOSE to love you with my whole heart and I put faith in your being the man you've promised and demonstrated you are.....XOXOXO
We love our furry kids. Period. I can't imagine our lives without our pets here with us. On so many occasions, these pets have been our only friends or companions.
I love them. Dack we got from a pet store....and we've always felt we rescued him because life in a pet store isn't good. Most of the animals sold to and then from pet stores have issues from birth that are not discovered until you've fallen deeply in love with them. (Dack had a hernia repaired, or so we were told......but I doubt it as he's had a hernia his entire life that hasn't caused any problems for him but it's been there)
