What is a friend?

I think if I were to ask every person I know this question, I'd get a zillion different answers. Our own personal frame of reference, at least in my opinion, creates our own definitions of what "we" think friendship is or what it means to us.

I'm a great friend. Yes, I am biased, but I am also repeating what has been said about me. In spite of my insescent jabber-jaw like qualities, I do listen. I'm a great listener. All those years of working for people who liked to hear themselves talk taught me valuable life skills. I listen and not just "hear" what you're saying. And in turn for my listening, you're probably going to get my opinion and/or "this is what I think or would do" commentary.

But aside from that, I'm caring, kind and above all else, HONEST. "Yes , that dress does make your ass look humungous." Or...."Of course I think you did the right thing in standing up for yourself to a snotty co-worker." I'm never malicious in my attempts at being honest or stating the facts as I see them. I do have tact...when necessary. It either deepens the friendship OR....and this happens more often than not, they simply can't handle it. Which is okay with me....I'd rather have a friend who can recieve AND send the truth than a friend who is so Pollyanna about everything, that I want to spew at the thought of heairng their dreary-but oh so sunny-outlook.

It takes a strong person to be my friend. They have to tolerate me. But on the flipside of that, you get receive a meaningful friend who is there.....through the good, the bad, and all the doo-doo in the middle. I'll watch your kids, your dogs, even your pet Iguana. I'll bring a six-pack when I visit (or a bottle or a chocoalte cake...because as a friend I take the time to actually get to know your addictions) But in return, I'm a lot to handle. I said that, I know.

I repeat myself because there are some people who "thought" they could handle being my friend only to realize one important thing. I'm a bitch on wheels when you rile me up.....if the world has just crapped on my head, oh Lordy watch out. You and everyone else in the neighborhood is going to hear about it. FOR HOURS!! Yes, I've been known to harp on something for days.....I can't help it. It's how I cope and ultimately DEAL with whatever it was that pissed me the hell off.

And so....throughout the years, people have come....and people have gone because "that Becky lady is a real piece of work." Okay, so I'm a lot to handle. But as I said, if we see eye to eye on our own expectations of the friendship, we're gold. But step on my tail, and you're going to hear me howl.

This high expectations attitude I develope started about two years ago. I lost a very close friend suddenly. She was 45 and she died by herself, on her bedroom floor...her husband in the next room.....dead and gone. And this event totally transformed how I viewed myself, my goals, how deeply I cherished the people in my life......and above all else, life is for living and not running around waiting for people to love me for who I am. Either you do.....or you don't. That's my own personal definition of friendship.

Becky's definition of friendship (just in case it wasn't clear): you give and take....sometimes the scale weighs more on one side or the other, but it ALWAYS evens out so that both people get the exact thing they need most from the friendship.

I tire so easily from needy people. I mean, come on. We all have bouts of "the world just crapped on my head and I need the ENTIRE world to have pity on me." Been there....done that. But listen to your friends, take their advice or not.....but move the -F- on....I'll harp for a couple of days......and then magically it just disappears and I've moved on to something else. Hell, the hours that people have listened to me and the multitude of advice I've received has no doubt sculpted me into who I am. It's inevitable.

But wallowing in your self-pity bores the crap out of me. But like a good friend, I'll watch you wallow....even throw you a towel when the shit gets too high......but eventually, I'll have the urge to just hose you down and tell you to move on. Isn't that what friends do?

My circle of people whom I participate in a real friendship is LIMITED. And I've circled back to the reason why.....I'm hard to handle. I'm honest, I'll share (albeit maybe it's not always appropriate how much and what I share), I put it all out there and I care unconditionally......but I'm a lot to handle. Thus, the circle is small....so small in fact, that if I were to invite just the people I honestly trust with my soul, we could fit in my dining room with room to spare for the loaded bar. I'm picky and selective but it's much more about being able to handle me. I admit it. Isn't that the first step afterall, admission of the truth?

Love me or hate the crap out of me....at the end of the day, I have to be the one I see in the mirror....I've lived such a crazy life....one filled with pain, bouts of depression, weight gain, self loathing, bitterness, guilt, grief, joy, love......that I just realized that I'd rather have one or two people close to me than have a room full of people who really don't now me.

So I get disappointed a lot and that's my problem and not the fault of the person who disappointed me. I allow it to eat at me. Therefore, the list of people I'd walk across the street to piss on if they were on fire is a short one. The rest, well, I'm sorry but life's too short. I don't want the end of my life to come and I look back and see only how I deceived the world into believing I had the capacity to be Suzie Sunshine each and every day......I want the world to see me for ME. And a real friend does.

So that's my friendship soapbox. Born from years of disappointment and having people fall short of my VERY short list of expectations from a friend. But hey....I'm open to new friendships....I'm not that sheltered or guarded. I'm a badass, but I can always use a new friend and I am open to the possibility. And I'm also willing to be there when the pieces of their lives lay around them like a pool of muddy water.....because that's friendship to me.

Wasn't it the Walrus song....."I am he as you are he as you are me...and we are all together..."

I hold you close oh friends of mine....faithful to the end....and we are all together......