What does it mean?

I woke up from a dream this morning.....so scared and sad that I was crying. Rarely do dreams affect me in such a deep way because I think I know that most dreams really aren't about what is happening in the dream. That's what my intelligence is telling me.

But this morning's dream had me outliving everyone. In this dream, there was a plague or something that had swept the country....and people were sick and dying. Also, animals were dying from the same thing. And if anyone really knows me, sick animals send me over the edge.

Here we were, sickly and our pets were sick and dying too. At first it was just lethargy. I could actually SEE them being sick-I still have the image in my mind. One by one, first Momma, then Dack, then Jager and then Loco. They all died. Momma died in my arms, so frail and thin from starvation. I was crying and I can still feel the deep emotion that I had during the dream.

Walt laid out a plastic bag on the couch (and this is a disclaimer for TMI worriers) because he knew he would deficate upon death. I watched this all happening. Knowing I too could see death coming. I could feel life leaving my body as I watched all the things in my every day life slip away.

And in true form of dreams making NO SENSE....suddenly Bret Favre was there, sick and dying, and I was telling him that my mother had a cherished ring....that in spite of not liking football....she had this ring he'd made. I know, deeply wierd stuff.

When I awoke, Walt had just died. As I lay there, I could FEEL my deepest fears rise up in the throat. Was it the fear of my loves being tormented by lingering death.....or was it being left totally, and completely alone after watching everyone just slip away?

What does it mean? Seriously, where do these images and thoughts come from in your subconscious? It scares me to death, and even sitting here recalling the dream, I can still FEEL the pain....still feel the deep emotional pain. And then I look over at all of them sleeping in their prospetive beds and I feel a sense of relief and happiness. They're still here.....even for this moment, my loves are still here.

I shared the dream with Walt, and it's all too uncomfortable for him to think about, let alone try and offer words that will ease my anxiety over being left alone after watching the carnage. He's not equipped for the deep stuff.

My kids accuse me of loving my furry kids more than them, and that makes me laugh. When they have children of their own, they'll understand why that makes me laugh. It's not possible for anything in this life to make me love anything more than them. But the issue isn't about "how much" I love you.....it's the fact that I simply do.

Okay, so what did I learn from this tragic dream? Lord, the wave of thoughts and emotions flooded me; still does. This IS my life. Everything under this roof IS my life. (sands Walt since he's off to work) But those living creatures, human and pet, depend on me for love and trust that I will be there......until the end. Does that make sense? This is how I am interpreting the dream.....and I am not an expert on dreams. But this is how the dream is speaking to me......

Rewind to yesterday.....I lashed out at Walt for my feeling overwhelmed, stressed, irritated....you name it. I said mean things out of my anger for the current situation. How am I supposed to expect Walt to trust that I'm here for the long haul if I use the fact that I can leave at any time against him? Guilt immediately rushes to my brain.....right this moment I feel the urge to just call him and tell him I'll be here when he gets home.

He doesn't need to hear is, as I think he tries to be tough and blow off my outbursts and craziness. But what if my words stick to his heart? That's horrible of me to play with his emotions that way.....it doesn't matter what he's done to me in the past. We're living for the NOW and as far as I can tell or feel, he's being the man I always knew he could be.

God, I can play such headgames with people. I need to work on that. I have no right to hold things out there....I need to move on from this. It's cruel and unkind....two things I am not, nor would anyone attest to that....I am good, and I am kind.....I mean, look at me.....fearful of losing my furry kids. Even though I know without a doubt, I'll probably outlive all of them.

So today I will make a conscious effort to speak kinder.....remember that words hurt even though it may appear so.....cherish those around me.....love them.....say it often......and never lose sight of the big picture.

Big picture moment: I am love beyond measure....by my Savior, by my husband, by my kids, my pets...my friends.....and I need to make every day count.....because in one agonizing moment, it could all be gone. I don't want to be alone....not here....not in the afterlife. I will be a better person today....I will share love....and share the joy it can bring......

And this brought to you....and me....by a dream.....its life crazy? I guess messages come in all forms.....we just need to hear them......

If you're reading this....friend or stranger.....I love you....as a fellow human being....as a friend.....as just a fellow earth dweller......I love you.