I had no idea it would hurt this much. I am feeling so guilty for having wished for Walt to just be out of my life. I know now that it was the HUGE amount of stress I was under that moved me to feel the way I was. I just wanted him gone. As if by his being gone, the issues and failures we BOTH had would be gone.
And now I am feeling horrible for wanting him to be gone…..he IS gone, and I am lost and feeling so much pain in my heart. I want him here. I want him close. I want to lean on him. He’s gone.
How did I get here? Wasn’t Las Vegas supposed to be our own promised land? Wasn’t it supposed to be SO much better here? OMGosh….I never thought life could suck this bad. Almost from day one.
Well, that’s not exactly true. We got here and he found a job almost immediately. Life was looking up. I interviewed and got a job within a month. We started looking for a place to live, and found THE MOST perfect house. Exactly where we wanted to live, and we were happy. We waited anxiously until Walt could go to WA to her our stuff. We decorated. Life was good.
What happened? I switched jobs, and life was looking up. I was closer to where he was working, and we were doing things. Money was good, bills were paid, and we were settling in. And then hell broke loose. Walt’s contract job was suddenly ended, and then my job went to hell.
All of May and June Walt looked for a job. He found what he knew was a perfect job. Two weeks later, he was given no notice and no reason but “you’re not needed any more.” What happened? And in the middle of all that, I gave notice at my job because he’d found the perfect job!! We were in shocked!! And a bit bewildered!!
Where to go next????
Then…then HIS job came open again in WA. It was as if God had FINALLY smiled on us. But we had to lose our house and move into this room. Then the worst thing happened. He left. He got on an airplane and left me behind. How could he do that? Why? Money. Always money. Money has kept me here. Or the lack of it. The job came so quickly in WA, that we didn’t have time to prepare for another big move. So here I am in this awful hotel, with four dogs (having given up Buddy), two cats, nasty neighbors with screaming kids, scary neighborhood….alone. How did this happen? Where am I going to find the strength to do this alone?
My husband is THE MOST important person in my life. He has done everything he could to take care of me and give me a good life. He has agonized over the job loses and lack of money. My attitude didn’t help. I feel horrible for that. He didn’t deserve that. I love him so much for loving me enough to put up with all this and put up with me.
I need to gather the strength so that I don’t make this worse for him. It has to be terrible for him to be away from me too. It’s so far more than being scared (which I am). It’s the simple fact of being totally alone with no income, no way of knowing if the rent is going to be paid here for next week…..I pray the money starts coming in soon.
I may go mad if I have to worry about being put out on the street. I can handle anything else but that.
So, in case you’re reading this Walt, thank you. I don’t know how else to say what I’m feeling right now except thank you for your sacrifice. I love you.
We’ll see how my first night alone goes…
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