I'm a orphan....

I'm a orphan. In every sense of the word.

or·phan  noun
1. a child who has lost both parents through death, or, less commonly, one parent.

No, I'm not a small orhpaned child, but I am orphaned just the same. When the holidays roll around, this fact becomes all that more evident. It kills me, and I find myself hiding from the world. I've put on a happy face for so long to hide my sadness and heartache that many people in my life have forgotten how much I hate the holidays. For isn't the true spirit of the holidays is to spread love to the world? Rejoice!! And yet I am filled with pain and grief.

I'm such a hypocrite. But I haven't found a way to completely avoid the holidays as to not be a hypocrite and smile while bearing it. Everyone expects you to be happy and filled with the seaon's greetings.

Before I lost my parents, there was the dread of Christmas because my sister wasn't there to share it. Her absence was obvious to my parents and me. A missing piece of the puzzle that will never be found again...leaving a mondo sized hole where a beautiful piece used to be.

When I had kids this lessened the blow of the holidays considerably. My parents softened and dove head first into gift giving and showing my little ones how much they were loved AND spoiled. It's what parents do. We over compensated of course, but it wasn't for any other reason but to force the pain to retreat and let the love shine through.

When I lost my dad, that first Thanksgiving and Christmas was so hard. EVERYTHING was about what my Dad used to do and what he was now missing. It all centered around the void in my heart and in my life. I tormented everyone with it. I slid into a deep depression that I know affected everyone. It wasn't on purpose. My dad just represented the true spirit of gift giving and happiness in making others smile. He was gone and so I didn't feel I had it in me to step into his shoes. We muttled through several holiday seasons after that.....we're working on number 9 now. It's tough.

My mother never really enjoyed the holidays as I am sure her deeply seeded resentment over being severely poor as a child certainly made it hard for her to find the joy. But she made sure the girls were happy and that in turn, was the greatest gift she could give me. However, I can't make homemade stuffing without thinking of her and the amazing Thanksgiving meal she used to cook when I was a kid. The house always smelled warm and yummy with turkey and stuffing. It took her all day to cook, and 20 minutes for us to eat. A true mother's love.

Thanksgiving is two days a away and my kitchen is filled with food, platters and goodies for the meal. It brings me joy to put time and love into the meal for the people in my life. Okay, so part of it is that I know it's damned amazing to eat and I love hearing that too. (I know why it never bothered my mom to cook all day and have it gone in just minutes....the praise!!)

But...I can't help feel sad. Here is another holiday without "my people." Sure the girls and Walt are my people, but not "MY" people. The girls have significant others who require they attend their family's meal as well as ours. (but I bet my stuffing is superior to anything they'll get elsewhere LOL) And my husband loves this meal....so much like my dad....picking at the bird as he comes out of the oven and taking off a chunk of cooked stuffing from just outside his body...I love it) has his family to wish well.....

So as the holidays take shape and go into full swing, I just want to say I love you Dad for making me love the gift giving, cooking the meal so that everyone can eat it in 20 minutes, and for all the wonderful memories I am blessed to carry with me. And Mom, thank you for sharing your cooking talents....I know our legacy will long live as I share it with my girls too.....

My joy is not found in the holidays, but in the people who fill them......I am truly blessed by those in my life, the love I feel, and the gift of being here to share them with my loved ones and friends. As this year closes I am reminded of how far we've come in the last 12 months. So muc has happened.....so I will leave that for my end-of-year blog....

For now...Happy Thanksgiving....may your blessings be great and your meal be bountiful. God Bless.